i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
