She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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