did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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