I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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