I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
