Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
