when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
