Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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