even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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