is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
