The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
