My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
