youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
