I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
