I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
