So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
