i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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