Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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