One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
