There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
