fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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