Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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