my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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