Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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