He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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