I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Its about making memories worth repressing
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
