i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
