I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
