speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
