I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
