I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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