I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
