There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
