I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
