I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
