You made me cry and you don't even care
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
