Well apparently he's into motor boating.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
