It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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