you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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