There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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