One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
