cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I didn't notice because vodka
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
