apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
