Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
