woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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