I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
