You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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