walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
