I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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