Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We are two peas in an std pod
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
