His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
