Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
